but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
