I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
