im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize