She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
