I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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