I am puke
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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