I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Just high enough for therapy.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
