Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Randomize
