I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
