i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize