There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize