I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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