he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
