It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
