My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
