Ketchup is God's man juice
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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