Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
