i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
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