So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
