mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize