I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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