I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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