I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
