dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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