I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
