apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
