i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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