i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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