remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
