I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
