I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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