we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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