Already got asked if we're dating
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
