reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
