Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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