We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
