u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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