My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
