Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
