what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
