Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
