Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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