just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
