he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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