In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
