While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
