someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
