To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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