I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
