A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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