I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Is that strawberry winking at me??
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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