this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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