i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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