K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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