Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
