Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
