Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
