He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
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