Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
