I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
