you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
