Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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