I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
